1. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
2. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
3. What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1.
4. What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
5. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
6. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
7. Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It’s pasteurized before you can even see it.
8. What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
9. Why can’t a leopard hide? Because he’s always spotted.
10. How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
11. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.
12. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
13. Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
14. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents. 16. Can February March? No, but April May!
16. How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!
17. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.
19. What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
20. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
21. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
22. Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.
23. What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.
24. Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
25. Dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan.
26. Where do fruits go on vacation? Pear-is.
27. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
28. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
29. What kind of cars do eggs drive? Yolkswagens.
30. Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.